People Don't Change.

Get a grip. Really. Think about it; do you need some obnoxious stranger to reduce your poor relationship decisions to three words? Of course you do. It’s why American’s pay psychiatrists, divorce lawyers and marriage counselors. Well, here it is for free. Stop fooling yourself and realize the irresponsible behavior of your adult partner will not change. The quicker you embrace this notion the easier your life will be- and it will be easier. Far easier than therapy, phone rants with your mother, or hours of time wasted on self help books. Three simple words…

I’m no exception. I have more shortcomings than a midget in the NBA, but I recognize them. For instance, I recently lost an opportunity with a cute catch when I told her I don’t like talking on the phone.

“This will be the longest conversation we are likely to have,” I said after 15 minutes of small talk. “Really,” she said, “I love talking on the phone.”

“Well, I love talking over a cocktail if that helps.”

“I don’t drink,” she said with indignation.

Fortunately, we squared away our unchangeable differences quickly. Fifteen minutes was time well-spent; especially after wasting two years running in circles with a former girlfriend.

Of course I recognized her flaws. In fact, I sized her up pretty quickly. She made it easy. When you never develop a sense of trust with another person, defining the relationship is effortless. There’s a simple game plan to adopt with distrusting people…never get too attached,  and don’t put any more effort into a relationship than you get out of it.

The toughest part is noticing the danger signs and developing a workable strategy. Don’t let your silly, marriage-minded friends and family obscure your instincts. Remember, people don’t change. Unless you’re ok with the baggage FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, then don’t bother. You know the baggage I’m talking about… All the problems you tell your friends at the end of the train wreck that should have prevented you from buying the ticket to begin with.

The ‘quid pro quo’ arrangement I’m endorsing is meant for both sexes, but men stand to gain more in modern society. Why? Because men are stupid. We are the suckers, the mark, and the party slighted most once the legal system chews us up and spits us out. Yes, we are generally left undomiciled with garnished salaries. We are branded a ‘substandard parent’ by society and left stranded with court appointed visitation…All this grief because we didn’t see it coming. And you know what? We deserve it, because people don’t change.

Men get stuck-on-stupid when they see those hips swing by and disregard the warning signs. Perhaps it’s a great rack, or dazzling eyes. To be fair, the attraction can even be found in great intellect or a woman’s sound career, but the devil is always in the details. A cute and well educated person cannot adequately bandage flawed personality traits. The pathology runs far deeper than any medical or law school can fix.  

In my situation, the red flags came quickly. When we met, she was reading a book on how to con (persuade, encourage. fill in your own blank.) a man into marriage. I’m guessing the book advises that, as a woman, if you have a party-girl history and a circle of loose friends, then never discuss your past. The strategy sounds practical, but very unsound for a long-term plan. I knew not to buy what she, or the book, was selling-not even for the dowry. As a modern, non-metrosexual man with classic values, an unknown past is a roadblock to building a rewarding future, and a SERIOUS character flaw.

People don’t change.  If her cell phone rings for booty calls months into your ‘exclusive’ arrangement then tuck that information away.  If your lover’s solution is to turn the cell phone ringer off then beware. Do NOT write it off as a non-event.  I recently dated a woman who would turn off the ringer every time she sat in my car. Aside from the obvious discourteousy, she exhibited other fragmented issues which helped explain the lack of fatherly guidance in her life.  Despite great looks and well intentions, I knew she would not ever change. She all but encouraged me to keep the relationship at booty call level. So that’s exactly what I did.

People, please take heed. I don’t care how educated, worldly or non-judgmental you are. If you believe in the power of the human spirit, everlasting love, and the storybook walk into the sunset, let me interject a slap of reality. Overall, most relationships dissolve in time. In fact, younger people have less tolerance than our parents and therefore greater marital failure. Taken as a whole, more stable, loving relationships occur with the elderly. For a myriad of reasons, our ancestors remain together longer, but they are making America seem more stable than it really is. Remove couples over 50 and our failure rate soars. Factor in certain variables such as limited education, strained resources, and stressful careers, and many people have over a 75% chance of failure. For instance, my industry is law enforcement, one of the most unstable relationship-nurturing industries on the planet.

Imagine game show Gino stepping in front of a studio audience wearing my ruffled tuxedo shirt. If I presented you four doors and fabulous prizes behind one of them, and a booby prize behind the other three, would you still choose one? What if the booby prize included an adult life of heartache and failed dreams, a whirlwind of tortured emotions and binding financial distress? But wait, there’s more! What if I suggested three of the doors would explode upon opening? How likely would you try now? What if only two doors would give you a generation of dysfunctional offspring, likely blaming you for their lifetime of incomplete achievements? Would you still play?

Yet as adults we make these choices way too often with the wrong people. Sadly, according to many studies, most couples KNEW it wouldn’t work! They saw the warning signs and perhaps thought that things might change.

Intuition and observation play a huge role in your long-term satisfaction in life. Do not disregard your inner voice. Remember, people don’t change. If someone doesn’t show you photos from their past then beware. If you never meet their close friends and family after a long relationship, then there’s more to the story. If your man is too cheap to buy the corked bottle of wine, or name brand necessities then don’t expect many fun nights out.  

Also recognize your own liabilities. If you’re dating a neat freak and you don’t shut closet doors or pick your clothes off the floor, then the chance of a happy living arrangement is doubtful.

And yes, there are exceptions, but they are so statistically insignificant that it does not count much. Some may get extreme and surgically change their gender. Others will find God or experience a poignant, life altering moment that will forever make them see the world differently; but at the core, they are imperfect in the same ways.  The point is, there is an exception to every rule -particularly among human relationships- but, trust me, you are very likely not the exception. Get a grip.