My Dumb Observations

Do you believe in karma? That everything happens for a reason and our bad deeds come speeding back at us on the boomerang of life? Nobody knows for sure, but it’s always good to keep a clean slate. Unfortunately, I still enjoy fucking with strangers. Counting some indiscretions, my lifetime slate of karma still remains above board. Maybe, though, I deserved an eight day streak of poor luck in sin city. Fortunately, the bad luck only involved money. I can get over that. But I can’t get over the fact that NOTHING went my way. Eight days of mostly 12 hour sessions at the poker tables, and I didn’t win a single day. That fact alone is worth a story. And it all begins at JFK airport enroute to Vegas… Frank Gags and I were flying in January 2009. The day before the Super bowl and less than 2 weeks after Captain Sully’s heroic crash landing into the Hudson. The event was still fresh in everyone’s mind. The boomerang began here as I nearly peed myself laughing on the plane. Glancing out on the...

Wagering in the workplace is shunned in most industries in America. Then again, every workplace defines wagering differently. Some offices strictly forbid the exchanging of money, while others post the weekly football pool above the water cooler. Despite laws outlining which betting activities are legal, most jurisdictions in America don't seem to care unless the wagering cuts into state action. Under this model, American workers happily take advantage. After all, a soul-sucking career in a cubicle sandwiched between gridlock can certainly induce a gambling habit. Every good job also deserves a morale-boosting escape from the daily grind. Whether that's satisfied by gifting birthday lottery tickets or hosting an academy award pool, some form of gambling is good for the workplace ecosystem. Naturally, the same cultural impulse exists within law enforcement careers. Puritans may disapprove, but the reality is, in an overwhelming male, overwhelming type-A driven occupation, there ...

  "Are you kidding me?" yelled the Administrative Sergeant, his voice buzzing through me, echoing down the hall of Christmas decorations towards the Desk Officer. "It's below freezing out there today. What if something happens to you? How will I explain to the Duty Captain that a rookie I've never met went for a leisurely swim on his meal break and was removed to the hospital?" “I see your point Sir, but even under that worst case scenario I'd never blame you or the job for the leaps and bounds of stupidity I engage in off duty. If I dressed down and went for a dirty water dog on my lunch hour, nobody would know or care now that my arrest paperwork has been finalized.” "The problem is you're technically not off duty,” barked the Sergeant. “This is why you must report exactly where you're taking your meal break and make hourly rings to the Desk Officer overnight" "But, Sir, if I had just strolled outside nobody would even notice. It...

From a cultural perspective, America is a peculiar nation. Without the richness of millennia to draw from or many shared borders to influence us, America manages to hold her own. Similar to the old-timey days, we just do things differently here. On the world stage, however, many nations find America less entertaining, viewing us as a spoiled bully still in diapers. Perhaps true, but the United States attracts players from around the world, forming the greatest expansion team in history. And with all those cultures in the mix, America proudly displays her combined greatness. For better or worse, we also do a robust job projecting ourselves as a libido-driven, virus spreading, collection of binge drinkers. America has also reimagined some practices to the benefit of democracy worldwide. Ancient Pagans would wish to carry the candy basket of any American kid on Halloween, and no Inuit festival can warm the feet of a reveler at our Groundhog Day or polar plunge celebrations. And look what ...